Too Much Intimacy: Pt. 2
He agreed to participate most wholeheartedly. Master came up behind me and asked me to rise and follow him to the spanking horse. (Part of all my fantasies of this type, is the dichotomy of wanting the punishment and not wanting it at the same time. Wanting it because I love the feeling of subspace and not wanting it because it can be extremely painful at times. So I plead and beg to be reprieved, but I know it does no good.) I followed him and pleaded with him to spare me this punishment, (even though I asked for it). He looked at me sternly and said that he was too upset with me, because of my behavior, to punish me and that Solstice would be punishing me. I felt Master's hand on my back, pushing me down. I felt the cool vinyl of the spanking horse meeting with my hot flesh. Solstice began with his hand, repeatedly spanking my ass. My skin warmed instantly at his touch. Master was facing me on the other side of the spanking horse. He held my face and stroked my hair lovingly. All the while saying, "I'm sorry, but I had to do this, you need to learn how to behave like a good, obedient slave. I know you can endure this for me. I know how brave and courageous you are. You're going to behave after this, aren't you?" I could feel the strength flowing from him to me. He was giving me the strength to endure the ordeal. My hands were free to hold his hand or feel his rigid body in front of mine. Feeling him gave me a tremendous amount of pleasure. I always feel better in a scene when he touches me or when I am allowed to touch him. It makes me feel safe, cared for, protected.
There were moments when Solstice was spanking so hard that the pain was almost intolerable. My Master could sense when that was happening and firmly but lovingly commanded, "Look into my eyes. Don't look away. Don't close your eyes. " The first time he asked me to look into his eyes, it was difficult for me. He would see me without any pretenses. He would see me, see who I was on the inside. The carefully hidden part of me, that no one sees, unless they really look for it. So many scenes that Master and I have done, where he could never look into my eyes, while he was punishing me. This scene gave him the opportunity to do just that. He could see the anguish in my eyes. The strength it took to remain in position. One of the most powerful sensations in this scene besides the pain obviously, was when I did look into his eyes and continued to do so for many moments. After the first time I looked into those loving eyes, it was easy to do so again and again. I felt like he was accepting me as I am, no pretenses. There is so much intimacy in looking into someone's eyes, for a prolonged period of time. So often, when two people look into each other's eyes, they cannot take too much intimacy, so they look away. I did feel so much closer to him, during the scene. It was definitely one of the most intense moments of the scene.
Something else of note: I never cried during a scene. I don't know exactly why. I know that others in my position seem to do so with great frequency. I think, maybe, that I just don't let myself go enough, to experience that kind of catharsis. But in this particular scene, I found myself so overwhelmed by the experience that I did shed a few tears and felt a cathartic release. I think this scene was different in the sense that I felt secure, protected, safe & cared for. I think I felt so safe that I was free to let myself go so deep that I would cry. Master was right there, the whole time, holding me and I felt like it was okay to cry, that he would protect and console me.
All in all, it was one of the most intense scenes I have ever done.
Friday, November 13, 1998