Episode 03: S&M & Abuse: How To Tell The Difference?

Episode 3:

   To the Vanilla folk (vanilla is the term that is kinksters use to describe the non-kinky people), S&M looks a lot like abuse. After all, we do terrible things to each other, consensually of course, but still terrible… As Dominants, we are privileged to share these experiences with our bottoms/submissives.

   Unfortunately, the Scene is the perfect shopping grounds for “Dominants” who are looking for someone to abuse. These individuals usually look for new people to the scene, people they can easily influence because they are new to the scene and may not know many people or have an understanding of how the Scene works.

   There is where S&M and abuse can blur the lines. The Scene’s core ideal is centered around safe, sane, & consensual. Each participant, both the top & bottom has to give consent for all acts that are going to take place. Abuse exists when you didn’t give consent, you are afraid to say no, & you say yes, to avoid consequences.

   There is one more concept I want to discuss and bring it into the light with the hopes that anyone reading this is enlightened and maybe they can recognize that they are unknowingly a victim of abuse. Gaslighting is manipulating someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity or their own sense of reality. This term is also used to describe someone who puts forth a false narrative which leads another person to doubt their own perceptions to the extent that they become disoriented and distressed. Beware of anyone who tells you… “If you were a good slave, you would do X” You have already negotiated that X was a hard limit for you and now the top is trying to manipulate or gas light you into doing something that is a hard limit. Anyone who uses this type of tactic is deemed an un-safe player.

   It’s so easy for abusers to pick the new people to the scene because they are new. We am hoping to educate and make finding new victims for these abusers more difficult.


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